New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize