if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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