so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
