I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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