I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
