I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
