There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
