I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
