You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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