Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
