mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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