Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
