It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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