only you would photoshop your dick
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
