why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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