you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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