my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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