I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
