Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
