You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
