i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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