why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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