Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
