when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
