i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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