I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
