My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
