i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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