I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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