I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
