from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
