You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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