I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
