She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
