I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Randomize
