i think my tv is drunk
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize