I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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