No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
