Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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