I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
