if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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