sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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