haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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