I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
