i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
