Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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