My room smells like vodka and shame
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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