lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
