it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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