Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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