she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
