New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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