My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
