I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
