the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
