The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
